Insights 16: The art of difficult conversations

Thoughtful quotations:

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex and more violent. It takes a touch of genius to move in the opposite direction” Albert Einstein

“Clarify don’t vilify” Nancy Clemens

“Is there one word that can guide your whole life? Yes. It is reciprocity” Confucius

Context for reflection:

Our world is filled with contempt and what some call an “epidemic of emotional idiocy”. Negative emotions, including cynicism, anger (shouting), hostility and bullying are commonplace leading both perpetrators and victims to be more aggressive or depressed. This not surprising – much of our media promotes a belief in an aggressive world.

Conflicts arise when actions of others don’t meet our expectation. Often the reaction is to blame casting negative perceptions suggesting the person is uncooperative, unhelpful, aggressive or the like. Our perceptions are, however, untested until we seek to understand the other person’s perception. When we fail to understand perceptions from either side, we will reinforce the negative, leading to greater conflict.

In our leadership work we find leaders are desperate to develop skills in “saying the unsaid”. There is a natural anxiety in doing so, yet there are wonderful examples showing that quiet assurance and using the art of the difficult conversation is empowering and often leads to new solutions. 

The truth is if we meet contempt with contempt, we promote greater contempt. The BLAME GAME DESTROYS! If we approach contempt with openness, patience and love, contempt reduces and understanding emerges. After all, every person ultimately has a need to be loved! When we approach conflict from a perspective that we are right and the other person is wrong or unreasonable, we lose.

The solution lies in turning “cycles of contempt” into “cycles of courage”. At the heart of our solution lies the art of the difficult conversation. Broaching the contempt of a bully or our misplaced perception requires courage. Over his years in prison Nelson Mandela replaced his hatred for white people with a hatred of the system. His reflection moved him past blaming others to finding peace.

If we approach conflict with an inquiring mind, we find new possibilities. It is an opportunity to grow as a leader.

How about a conversation to solve your perceived conflict? Consider the following steps:

• Acknowledge something positive about the person or your relationship,

• Place the facts related to the conflict as you see them,

• Ask to hear and understand their view (on the potential conflict) in seeking solution, 

• Listen and clarify without judgement,

• Ask if you can share your view (which may have been modified by what the other person says). 

• Ask what each of you could do to resolve the conflict (brainstorm without evaluation).

• Choose those potential solutions that you agree on, 

• Agree to review how you feel about the changes in a week’s time.

A few question to contemplate:

• What conflict are you avoiding? 

• Where can you use the art of the difficult conversation to empower you and others?

Drafted in all humility as I continue my journey of discovery. It is indeed challenging, with so much to remember and learn.

Andrew Pons

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